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Zip Chip is an accelerator chip for the Apple //. What follows is 6502 assembly language. You have been warned.

To enable maximum acceleration of everything except the joystick port, the Apple speaker, and slot 6:

  LDA   #$5A
  STA   $C05A ; write 4 times to unlock chip
  STA   $C05A
  STA   $C05A
  STA   $C05A
  LDA   #$FF
  STA   $C05B ; enable Zip Chip
  LDA   #$80
  STA   $C05E ; disable I/O delay
  LDA   #$40
  STA   $C05F ; normal joystick speed, fast language card
  LDA   #$41
  STA   $C05C ; all slots fast except S6 and speaker
  LDA   #$00
  STA   $C05D ; CPU at full speed
  LDA   #$A5
  STA   $C05A ; lock chip

To disable all acceleration:

  LDA   #$5A
  STA   $C05A ; write 4 times to unlock chip
  STA   $C05A
  STA   $C05A
  STA   $C05A
  LDA   #$FF
  STA   $C05A ; disable Zip Chip

These routines work on both the Zip Chip 4000 (4 Mhz) and Zip Chip 8000 (8 Mhz).


  1. Take a quarter slice of American cheese.

    [cheese slice in hand]

  2. Roll the cheese into a ball and insert the pills.

    [cheese ball with pills inside]

  3. Feed the cheese ball to your dog.

    [feeding the cheese to the dog]

I'm told that peanut butter also works, but it's messier.


What follows are instructions for building and installing MySQL 5 on Ubuntu. These instructions should work perfectly on both Feisty (7.04) and Gutsy (7.10).

If you're a pro at this type of thing already, if you're impatient, or just feeling lucky, just shut the fuck up and read through to the end. It's not that complicated, and nobody cares about your l33t skillz anyway.

Why you don't want to build MySQL yourself

  1. You don't have to. Experts have already built and optimized an installer that integrates with the rest of your system. And by "experts," I mean "people way fucking smarter than you." And by "integrates with the rest of your system," I mean it puts configuration files in the right place, it starts up the service the right way, and most importantly, it integrates with your system's upgrade manager so you'll get security updates automatically.
  2. It totally sucks having one-off standalone installations of software. Why? Because when some fucker finds a security hole in the version you compiled yourself, it'll be up to you to recompile and reconfigure your software. Yourself. Oh, and the fucker won't tell you that you need to do it. You'll have to go out onto the wild, wooly interweb and subscribe to BugTraq or SecurityFocus or some dumb-ass developer mailing list. Does that sound like fun? Huh, does it punk?
  3.">Watching shit scroll by for hours does not make you a UNIX expert overnight.


None. That's right, none. Your Ubuntu "desktop" is fully capable of installing and running hundreds of different "server" programs. You don't need to buy a special "server" version for $1000. Other things you don't need: a compiler or a bunch of developer tools. And you sure as fuck don't need to sign up for some confusing "developer program" that forces you to surrender your rights and your personal information.


We're not going to be typing archaic commands into a window like they do in the movies. Sorry to disappoint you. That shit's reserved for impressing boy toys and dumb blondes. Have you ever been fucking a blonde up the ass and then, like, pushed her face into your monitor filled with a maximized terminal window and shouted "SUDO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH!" That's hawt. But I digress...

Setting the path

Do not skip this step! Most everything else will fail if you do.

No, I'm just kidding. There's nothing to this step either.

Download, extract, etc.

Run Synaptic Package Manager. Click Search and type mysql server. Select the mysql-server-5.0 package. A dialog will pop up saying that installing the MySQL Server package requires installing a bunch of other packages too. See how it did that? It's called dependency management, and it's built into all modern Linux distributions. Computers are smart like that. Click Apply and Ubuntu will download, extract, and install everything for you. Along the way it will ask you to enter a password for the MySQL "root" user. You should do that. Blank passwords are bad, mmkay?

Auto-starting MySQL

Nothing to do here. Ubuntu set this part up for you too, because, you know, it's a server thingie, and server thingies are supposed to start automatically. Computers are smart like that.

Starting and stopping MySQL manually

From your System menu, run Services and check or uncheck Database server (mysql). Sorry, still no terminal required.

A note about security

The package installer automatically set up MySQL so that it can only be accessed from your local machine, which is almost certainly what you want. Don't go fucking around with strange configuration files. They won't respect you in the morning.

Updating MySQL in the event of a security hole

Your installation of MySQL Server is automatically integrated with Ubuntu's update manager. If there is a security problem with MySQL Server, Ubuntu will notify you with a cute little bubble alert as soon as a fix is available. Don't be a dumbass; always install security updates promptly. The updater will take care of stopping and restarting your MySQL service and all that shit. Just clicky clicky and go back to watching "Ow My Balls."

Uninstalling MySQL

Run Synaptic Package Manager, click Status, then Installed, uncheck the mysql-server-5.0 package, and click Apply.

My sincerest apologies... Dan Benjamin, who is a very nice chap and doesn't deserve this sort of snark. But Jesus H. Christ, it must suck giant wet donkey balls to be stuck on an archaic OS where you need to be dropping into the terminal and tweaking configuration files and compiling shit all the time. I hope the translucent menu bar is worth it. But please, please stay up to date with MySQL security patches; I wasn't kidding about that, it's really fucking important.



% autoload zmv
% zmv '(**/)(*).(*)' '$1$2.${(L)3}'

Affects all files in the current directory and all subdirectories. For example, it turns Serenity.Ogg into Serenity.ogg, no matter where it is under the current directory.

First parenthetical matches current directory and all subdirectories, second group matches filename sans extension, third group matches extension. ${(L)3} transforms the extension to lowercase.

If you only care about a particular extension, you can simplify1 it to this:

% zmv -W '(#i)**/*.mp3' '**/*.mp3'

The (#i) matches case-insensitively (.Mp3, .MP3, and so on). The -W flag lets you use regular * and ** wildcards in both the source and target patterns, and automagically turns them into groups and backreferences like the first example.

If you only care about a particular extension in the current directory (not subdirectories), it's even easier:

% zmv -W '(#i)*.mp3' '*.mp3'

That's all I know.

Further reading:

  1. For some definition of "simple" that includes enough line noise to choke a German Shepherd.


More search queries from my referrer logs, with answers. (Previously: how not to, can't) If your question isn't listed here, check the Ubuntu guide, Ubuntu wiki, or Ubuntu forums.

  • zfs in ubuntu -- not yet
  • zenity howto ubuntu -- threads tagged with "zenity" in Ubuntu forums
  • xubuntu software list -- aptitude show xubuntu-desktop
  • xubuntu quicksilver -- sudo aptitude install xfce4-xfapplet-plugin deskbar-applet (I still miss Quicksilver)
  • xubuntu opensshserver -- sudo aptitude install openssh-server
  • xubuntu ibm t30 -- ThinkWiki: T30
  • worth going from mac to ubuntu -- i have few regrets
  • wireless linux ubuntu apps -- sudo aptitude install network-manager
  • what you will need to install ubuntu -- a computer, a brain, and an install CD
  • what version of ubuntu do i use on my mac book -- x86
  • what software to subscribe to podcasts ubuntu -- democracy player or other linux podcast software
  • what programs can run on ubuntu linux -- lots
  • video ipod ubuntu -- sudo aptitude install gtkpod-aac
  • video editing in ubuntu -- sudo aptitude install kino kinoplus
  • using itunes on ubuntu -- itunes 6 under wine
  • ubuntu vlc repository --
  • ubuntu vlc huge subtitles -- VLC → Settings → Preferences → Subtitles/OSD → Text renderer → Font size in pixels (you may need to check "Advanced options" to see this option)
  • ubuntu vlc firefox embedded video -- sudo aptitude install mozilla-plugin-vlc
  • ubuntu video players -- mplayer, vlc, kaffeine, totem, xine
  • ubuntu two pane file browser -- sudo aptitude install krusader
  • ubuntu transcode flac to mp3 -- sudo aptitude install flac lame, then flac -dc infile.flac | lame --preset standard -- outfile.mp3
  • ubuntu supertux 0.3 -- 6.10 repository (7.04 and later can just sudo aptitude install supertux)
  • ubuntu bad fd number
    ubuntu fd file descriptors
    ubuntu shell script problems dash
    ubuntu sh bash dash
    ubuntu 6.10 uses dash instead of bash
    ubuntu 6.10 sh scripts bash
    -- workaround here (damn this bites a lot of people)
  • ubuntu photo application best -- sudo aptitude install digikam kipi-plugins
  • ubuntu partition program -- sudo aptitude install gparted
  • ubuntu os x interface -- ultimate mac os x pack
  • ubuntu openal download -- sudo aptitude install libopenal0a
  • ubuntu old ibm m keyboard -- customizer black keyboard (i own this and love it)
  • ubuntu list all drives in terminal -- df -T --si -xtmpfs -xusbfs
  • ubuntu linux cannot cant even burn a dual-layer? -- sudo aptitude install k3b
  • ubuntu kaffeine embed firefox -- sudo aptitude install totem-xine totem-mozilla
  • ubuntu install programs list -- aptitude search ~i
  • ubuntu install ktorrent -- sudo aptitude install ktorrent
  • ubuntu howto write simple script -- a quick guide to writing scripts using the bash shell
  • ubuntu howto encode dvd to ipod -- ipod video encoding
  • ubuntu funny characters in firefox -- Firefox → View → Character encoding → Western
  • ubuntu firefox change usercontent.css -- located in ~/.mozilla/firefox/RANDOM/chrome/
  • ubuntu financial software
    "ms money" replace ubuntu
    linux equivalent quicken kde kubuntu
    checkbook program for ubuntu -- sudo aptitude install kmymoney2
  • ubuntu distribution upgrade -- sudo update-manager -c -d
  • ubuntu burn flac audio -- sudo aptitude install k3b
  • tips ubuntu software --,,
  • subversion installation linux ubuntu -- sudo aptitude install subversion
  • show user list in ubuntu command -- sudo userconfig
  • show all software for server in ubuntu -- ubuntu server guide
  • ogg file ipod ubuntu -- ipod doesn't support ogg unless you completely replace the firmware
  • myfairtunes ubuntu -- myfairtunes only works under windows
  • music library ubuntu -- sudo aptitude install amarok
  • mark pilgrim ubuntu essentials -- i'm flattered
  • mac fanboy ubuntu african install debian -- so not kidding (i believe the joke you're looking for is "ubuntu is an ancient african word meaning 'can't install debian'")
  • linux mp3 edit tag ubuntu -- sudo aptitude install easytag
  • linux live free torrent ubuntu -- has torrents
  • kubuntu user list -- K Menu → System Settings → User Management
  • kubuntu mind map software -- freemind
  • iterm equivalent ubuntu -- aptitude search ~Dprovides:x-terminal-emulator (i like yakuake personally)
  • imovie ubuntu alternative -- kino is your best bet (i still miss imovie)
  • identify video driver under kubuntu -- K Menu → System Settings → Monitor & Display → Hardware
  • how to see all running apps ubuntu -- K Menu → System → KSysGuard → Processes
  • h264 vlc howto ubuntu -- try this
  • get a pc for ubuntu -- i've heard good things about
  • firefox ubuntu looking like apple -- ifox
  • find all programs installed ubuntu -- Synaptic Package Manager → Status → Installed
  • emacs copy paste external application ubuntu -- emacs copy and paste (in case it's not clear, put those commands in your ~/.emacs file)
  • dive into ubuntu -- heh
  • ubuntu -- posting and syncing
  • csh ubuntu 6.10 -- sudo aptitude install csh, then chsh -s /bin/csh
  • creating su in ubuntu -- sudo passwd root, then su
  • copy dvd in linux ubuntu -- sudo aptitude install k9copy
  • cool x environment ubuntu -- sudo aptitude install enlightenment (careful what you wish for)
  • best repositories to add in ubuntu -- source-o-matic
  • authenticating the upgrade failed ubuntu -- workaround